Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
In other news, I just burned my penis
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
