Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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