Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
