When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
