She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Randomize
