Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
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