is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
