If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
