Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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