You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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