New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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