ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
