All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
We had sex on a dog bed..
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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