Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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