i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
