weddingsv make me drug and hornr
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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