Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
So many bounce houses so little time
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
