There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
True strength comes from lack of pants
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
