I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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