I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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