I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
