ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
