i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
