oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
