I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
