I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
You may now shotgun with the bride
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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