Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
