I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
