Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
