I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Randomize
