god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Randomize
