great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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