Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I pour the whiskey from now on
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
