So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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