I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
