My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
