my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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