So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
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