Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
You ruined the universe
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
