so that wasnt chicken after all
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
