no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
it was like having sex with a tree stump
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
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