Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
