The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Randomize
