There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
