Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
