He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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