just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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