I must be too annoying 4 u.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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