like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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