i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
