I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
